Old Mammy Meldrew
by shesdancingalone
Summary: After Dougal is injured during a ping pong battle, his irritable mother pays the parochial house a visit. Unconvinced that he is a good priest, she threatens to take him away for good. That is, unless Ted can prove her otherwise.
1. Not tennis

Right then, say 'lo to what I suppose is my first bash at a Father Ted mockisode. Now, I'm never never never claiming to be half as great as Graham Linehan and Arthur Matthews, god no - I'm just a Tedhead. I'll explain the title quickly - the word 'Meldrew' is a shout out to _The Mainland_ - one of my favourite Father Ted eps, where Richard Wilson made an appearance. Since _One Foot In The Grave_, the word Meldrew has been borrowed to typical, grumpy old bats. It's all down there anyway, written in script. Please enjoy, ah go on :)

For the brilliant Dermot Morgan. Who was tragically stolen from us.

* * *

(Open to parochial house living room, where MRS DOYLE is lovingly polishing a photo in a frame using a dainty hankerchief. She is smilingly doing this for a moment or so before FATHER TED CRILLY enters, having just arrived from upstairs.)

TED: (Walking upto her) Morning, Mrs Doyle.

MRS DOYLE: (Still polishing) Morning, Father.

(TED stops beside her and frowns, having expected an offer at a cup of tea by now. He folds his arms and waits.)

(And waits.)

(And waits some more.)

TED: (Coughs loudly)

MRS DOYLE: (Looks up from her polishing) Oh Father, do I need to get the Tixylix back out?

TED: No no, I'm grand. What is it you're doing anyway?

(He peers over her shoulder at the framed picture: a 'family portrait' style photo of TED, FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE and MRS DOYLE, all beaming and standing around FATHER JACK HACKETT, who is seated and sneering at the camera-man.)

TED: God almighty, that's an old photo Mrs Doyle. (He points to a section of the photo) That was back when you had the peroxide.

(A closer look at the picture sees that MRS DOYLE still looked the same as ever, only with an out of place perm and bleached blonde hair. MRS DOYLE shakes her head with tight-lipped disapproval.)

MRS DOYLE: Yes, very old photo. (Then becomes happy) Taken our first year together, the four of us. Seven years to the day, Father.

TED: (Looking wistful and reflective) Seven years. (Then the more he thinks it through, the more becomes slowly bitter and miserable in expression.) _Seven years ..._

(They are both startled by a distant: _**DRINK! **_Coming from upstairs.)

TED: (Realisingly) Oh yes, that was why I came down. (TED walks offscreen, assumably into the kitchen, and returns moments later with a breakfast tray and on it, an American-style beer hat and two cans of lager.) Grand ol' device this. We're not having to bottle feed him in the mornings these days.

(TED leaves out the living room, leaving MRS DOYLE alone with the photo. She smiles, licks the tip of her hanky and continues polishing – very feverishly. Upstairs, in the bedroom, DOUGAL is standing in front of the mirror with a ping-pong paddle. He looks at it, and assumes a mock legs-apart stance. He slowly swings, watching himself.)

DOUGAL: He's reached the Wimbledon semi-finals, he's conqured Croatia, and now he's about to kick Andei Pavel's arse! (Swinging more vigourously) Come on Andrei, let's have ya then!

(He accidentally chucks the paddle in mid-swing, it flies straight ahead and cracks the mirror in front of him. TED is watching him from the door.)

TED: Dougal!

DOUGAL: (Turns around, startled. He is clasping the paddle against him) It wasn't me Ted, it was .. ehm, Tim Henman.

TED: (Hands on his hips, shaking his head) Tim Henman, the tennis player? (DOUGAL quickly nods, still clasping the paddle until TED takes it off him) Dougal, this is a ping pong paddle.

DOUGAL: It is, Ted.

TED: And you know tennis and ping-pong are not the same thing?

DOUGAL: (Bemused) .. It's not?

(Sighing and shaking his head, TED tosses the paddle onto his bed and sits down next to it.)

TED: That's seven years on your luck, you know.

DOUGAL: (Starts approaching his bed to sit opposite TED) Ah Ted, theres nothing in it. (As he walks, he trips over a wire going across the floor, that seems to have appeared out of nowhere. The wire is connected to the lamp that sits between TED and DOUGAL'S beds. It is tugged and causes the lamp to fall on the floor and burst into a small fire. DOUGAL doesn't seem to notice.) That supersticious nonsense, nothing in it at all.

TED: _Dougal_! (He jumps to alarm and uses his bed quilt to smother the fire out. DOUGAL has sat down on his bed.)

DOUGAL: Why'd you have a paddle anyway, Ted?

TED: (Having finished with the fire, he wipes his hand across his forehead and frowns.) What?

DOUGAL: The paddle, there.

TED: Oh right, well. Father Declan's expecting us a little later, for a game. He's terribly competitive but the problem is, well, he's a bit rubbish.

DOUGAL: He can't play tennis?

TED: _Ping pong_, Dougal. And no, he can't play much of anything. Should be an easy win, really. (Hearty chuckle) Unless that luck of yours sticks around.

(Both laugh.)

* * *

Next bit coming up soon.


	2. A bit competitive

(Mid-afternoon in broad daylight, where FATHER TED CRILLY and FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE are inside TED'S CAR. TED is driving and it looks as thought they have been on the road for a while.)

DOUGAL: (After an interval of silence, shifts slightly into TED'S direction.) Father Declan. Who's that then?

TED: Ah you know Father Declan. Father Declan Gobnait.

(He glances at DOUGAL, who only stares at him.)

TED: Come on now, you remember? We were at that rally in Rome last year and you met him. He was sat behind you when he kept snipping at your hair without you knowing, and you had that bald patch.

(After seeing no change in DOUGAL'S expression, TED sighs.)

TED: You called him Gobshite.

DOUGAL: (Lights up) Right right, him. You could've just said you were talking about Father Declan Gobshite, Ted.

TED: _No_ Dougal! His name is Gob_nait_, not Gob_shite_. You need to remember these sort of things.

DOUGAL: So .. I'm not to call him Gobshite?

TED: No, call him Gobnait. His name.

DOUGAL: (Slowly nods, then reaches into his tank top and takes ut a tiny notepad and a crayon. He silently mouths what he is writing, assumably, 'Not Gobshite'. TED watches him for a moment, then returns to driving. As long as the message got across.)

* * *

(SCENE: The front door of another parish-supported house. TED is about to knock on the door, when he quickly utters to DOUGAL.)

TED: Now remember what I said.

DOUGAL: Right Ted.

(TED knocks a few times on the door and they wait side-by-side. They hear a chaotic amount of clanging and give each other a look of uncertainty. A MAN answers the door, or what is assumed to be a man. Wearing a snorkel mask, foam core life vest, flippers and with bits of seaweed hanging over his head - he looks to be more of a sea monster. Cut back to TED, who now has DOUGAL hiding behind him and staring wide-eyed over his left shoulder. TED looks stunned.)

TED: Father ... Gobnait?

FG: Ah Ted, I thought it might've been you! (He lifts the snorkel, revealing a middle-aged, smiling priest with a whiskery chin. TED seems relieved and he steps aside, exposing a still-bewildered DOUGAL.)

TED: Haha, yes Father 'fraid so. Dougal, aren't you going to say hello? (After getting no response, he nudges him with his elbow and irritably mutters:) _Dougal._

DOUGAL: Right ... yeah, ehm, hello. Hell Father Gob- (He sidelong glances TED, who is giving him a stern look.) .. nait.

FG: And Father McGuire, it's a pleasure seein' ya both again. Come in, come in won't you. (He backs into his house, leaving TED and DOUGAL to follow in his wake.)

(Entering into FATHER GOBNAIT'S parish house living room, they see it is messy and flooded. DOUGAL waggles his foot, grimacing.)

DOUGAL: My socks are wet, Ted.

TED: Yeah, mine too .. Father Gobnait? Why's there .. um, water all over the place?

FG: Just practicing the ol' swimming. I took this girl on and well, didn't do so good Father. I reckon though, with a bit more practice. (Looks over the watery floor.) Might've overfilled the bath a bit though.

TED: Just a bit. Who was this girl you took on anyways?

FG: I don't really know, Father. She was only on the island for a little bit. Australian lass. Lisbeth-something.

(TED thinks for a moment, then looks amazed he realises that FG means Lisbeth Trickett - a world record holding and Olympic gold medal winner. He fails to bring it up though, and smiles nonetheless.)

TED: So, Father. (Rubs his hands together.) You ready for a good game?

FG: That I am! Just let me get changed and we'll get stuck in. (He leaves the room, but pops his head back around the door and says as casual as can be:) And Fathers, be careful of the crocodile won't you?

TED: Right so. (There is a pause. Then, suddenly realizing, he becomes alarmed.) C .. _Crocodile_?

FG: Yeah, y'see - I had an egg on the go against Father Lenton, see who could hatch theirs first. It's only a baby. Won't harm noone.

(TED and DOUGAL watch the door until he leaves again, and TED sits on a chair - clearly wanting to keep his feet off the ground because of this alleged reptile. DOUGAL begins kicking around the water, laughing as he does.)

DOUGAL: This is great, Ted! Reminds me of that pool party we went to.

TED: What pool party?

DOUGAL: You know, that one with the lad standing in the pool and you were chucking water over him and mumbling stuff.

TED: What? Dougal, that was a _baptism_. That lad was joining the church, and I was _baptising _him.

DOUGAL: Oh right, yeah. One of those.


	3. Doing it better

(FATHER DECLAN GOBNAIT has since returned, cleaner and wearing usual Catholic priest gear plus an off-white 'Yankees' cap - worn especially to compliment his competitive nature. He and FATHER TED CRILLY are standing opposite ends of a ping pong table, holding paddles, while FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE is sitting on a stool reading a Beano comic book. It is upside down.)

FG: (Grinning and slowly smacking the paddle against his palm with relish.) You ready to get yer arse kicked all the way back to your choir days, Ted?

TED: Ready as I'll ever be, you want to serve?

FG: Right so, I'll serve.

DOUGAL: (Pipes up, lowering his comic.) Oh, in that case I'll have a tea. No milk for me.

FG: Pardon, Father?

DOUGAL: You said you were serving.

TED: (Gently) Uh, Dougal .. when we say serve, we don't mean as in refreshments. Father Gobnait's about to hit the ball to me.

FG: Ready then, Ted. (He and TED assume playing stance, and FATHER GOBNAIT bats the ball across after three gesturing swings.)

(The game commences, and eventually DOUGAL sets his Beano down and watches. As irony would have it, TED does not appear to be very good at ping pong. He misses the ball several times and goes to get it in a fluster, which only increases FATHER GOBNAIT'S enthusiasm for the game. After a while of gameplay, DOUGAL sounds:)

DOUGAL: You're not doing very well, Ted.

TED: (Flustered) No, _no_! I'm just getting into the swing of it.

DOUGAL: (Something of a relieved laugh) Good. Oh, God almighty there Ted - I thought for a minute that you were actually meaning to play bad. And that's just silly, isn't it. What with you saying Father Gobnait's an easy win and that.

FG: What'd he just say there?

TED: (Angry) You know what, Dougal? You think you can do better? (Throws paddle down on the table in true Ted-tantrum style) Go right ahead!

(He leaves the table and sits where DOUGAL was sat earlier, huffily crossing his arms as DOUGAL obediently assumes TED'S place at the table. His point is to shut DOUGAL up, thinking he will be worse. Especially after he says:)

DOUGAL: I just pick this up? (He says as he hesitantly goes to pick up the paddle.)

(However, as the new game kicks off - TED'S face sinks into one of dismayed surprise as he sees that DOUGAL actually can play ping pong, better than he can anyway. Whereas FATHER GOBNAIT is dramatically jumping all over the place in a bid to hit the ball clean everytime, DOUGAL is simply standing in one place and moving one arm this way and that. The fact that he is beating him without even trying begins to infuriate FATHER GOBNAIT.)

FG: _No_! I won't feckin' lose! (Truly tipped over the edge, he hits the next ball far too furiously. It flies too high for him to hit, and instead hits DOUGAL in the head. It knocks him out and he falls down.)

TED: (Jumping up from the stool) Dougal!

FG: Oh _feck! _Oh feck it! (Breaking into a fit of nervous trembles, he drops the paddle and timidly cowers) I really didn't mean that, Ted! I just went a bit mad! Oh god, I've gone and killed him!

(TED is kneeling over DOUGAL, hitting his cheek a few times in an attempt to bring him to. He looks up at FATHER GOBNAIT.)

TED: You've not killed him, Father. But you _have_ knocked him unconscious.

FG: (Desperately wringing his hands) Oh! What do we do? What do we _do_? Do we bury him?

TED: No! Right, first you can get his legs. (He takes a limp DOUGAL by the underarms) We'll get him to my car and I can get him to the hospital.

FG: The hospital? You won't be getting the police on me, will ya Ted? I didn't mean to kill him!

TED: (Getting impatient) For the last time, Father. He _isn't _dead, but you're not helping him by just standing about like that. Now, help me get him to the car.

* * *

(Outside FATHER GOBNAIT'S house, TED'S CAR is sitting idle outside just before they get there. Pan down, to the car's under exterior and there sitting very still underneith - a baby crocodile.)


	4. Jack loves the flowers

(The door closes on a HOSPITAL BEDROOM, a nurse just having left. FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE is lying in the bed, still unconscious, with a white guaze bandage wrapped around his forehead. It makes his hair stick up in a comical way, however, the expressions of FATHER TED CRILLY, sitting at his bedside, and MRS DOYLE, pacing the room like a worried mother, are less than comical.)

MRS DOYLE: (Clenching both her hands tightly together, speaking to TED) Oh Father Crilly - isn't it terrible?

TED: Terrible's right, Mrs Doyle. But you heard the nurse, he'll be right as rain when he wakes up. Amazing really how nothing has a long term effect on him .. (He pauses, and corrects himself) .. well, speaking physcially. He's like that there Terminator sometimes.

MRS DOYLE: Why today though? (Hysterical) _Why'd_ it have to be today?

TED: Well, I reckon it might have something to do with that mirror he smashed this morning, and .. (Fixing his attention more carefully on Mrs Doyle) Today? What's it got to do with today?

MRS DOYLE: You remember, Father? Our seven year anniversary?

TED: Oh, right. Well, I don't know if you'd call it an _anniversary _...

MRS DOYLE: I got these. (She reaches off-screen, and returns with two huge bouquets. They practically fill her arms.) For both of youse.

TED: (A mix of surprise and delight on his face as MRS DOYLE hands him a bouquet) Oh, wow. Thats really lovely of you, Mrs Doyle. Did you get Father Jack anything?

MRS DOYLE: Oh he got flowers too, Father. He just loves them.

* * *

(CUT QUICKLY to back at the CRAGGY ISLAND PAROCHIAL HOUSE. FATHER JACK HACKETT is sitting in his usual, worn down chair with a flower from MRS DOYLE'S bouquet in his hand. He looks confused with what to do with it, then shrugs and bites the head off it. He flings the stem on the floor, joining many others that he has eaten.)

JACK: (After a loud belch) Arse.

* * *

MRS DOYLE: So ... (Her eyes shift expectantly left and right, before setting back on TED) .. Anything to give me, Father?

TED: (Who was admiring his gift, is suddenly taken aback. He has not got her anything.) Uh .. um, _well_ ... you see, Mrs Doyle, I .. er, ...

MRS DOYLE: (Face distastefully falls, voice become stern) What?

TED: .. I ... I've _definately_ got you a present! (Nervously laughing) Oh yes, definately! Its just, I've not got it _here_, see. I'd not thought we'd end up at the ol' hospital, so .. um, I was going to give it to you when we got _home_!

(TED, who had been impulsively talking before he had the chance to think it through, nervously waits on MRS DOYLE'S reaction. At first, it seems as though she does not believe a word of it as she remains hard-faced. Though after a brief pause, she breaks back into her sunny-natured smile and looks happy with his answer.)

MRS DOYLE: Oh Father Crilly, I knew you'd not forgotten! I just can't wait!

(She flurries off, happy as ever. Leaving TED to grimace to himself.)

TED: .. Yeah, me too.

(While MRS DOYLE is busying herself finding a place to put DOUGAL'S flowers, TED awkwardly stands holding his own pondering his new predicament. He cannot possibly buy something thoughtful for MRS DOYLE between now and home without her suspecting anything - however, he does not have to think about this long before the room door bangs open loudly. Like the oncoming storm. It startles MRS DOYLE and TED, and they look up.)

(A WOMAN barges through the door - she is older, plump in the body and her sandy-coloured hair is kept tight curl formation. She wears a large black coat and carries a big, antique bag - something of a fat Mary Poppins. Her hard stare bears right into TED.)

WOMAN: What's happened? You tell me!

TED: (Baffled) Um ... sorry, who are ... ?

WOMAN: (Having finally noticed DOUGAL in the bed, she gasps in horror and huddles at his side) Oh son! What have they done to ye?

TED AND MRS DOYLE: (Simultaneously) _Son_?

WOMAN: (Standing straight) That's right, I'm his mother! And you'd _both _best be tellin' me what you've done to him.


	5. A very bad priest

(SCENE: Still the HOSPITAL - where FATHER TED CRILLY, MRS DOYLE and the newly arrived MRS MCGUIRE have temporarily retreated elsewhere. A young, pretty NURSE enters DOUGAL'S HOSPITAL ROOM, where he is still out cold. She is carrying a guaze roll - clearly there to change his bandages. She sits on the edge of his bed and starts gently unwrapping him - when suddenly, he stirs and wakes up. Immediately upon seeing a **woman, **of all things, at such close range, DOUGAL screams.)

(Just outside in the WAITING AREA, TED and MRS DOYLE jump awake at the noise having fallen asleep on each other.)

TED: That'll be him awake.

(They BOTH rush into the room, where DOUGAL is holding his bedsheets tightly upto his chin and still screaming. The NURSE, frightened, has backed into the other side of the room. She looks at TED.)

NURSE: (Above the noise) I was only changing his bandages, Father!

TED: (Also trying to be heard above all the yelling) Don't worry about that, nurse. we'll take over! (He rushes her out of the room.) Bye now!

(MRS DOYLE has been at DOUGAL'S bedside trying to calm him down, but he doesn't acknowledge any efforts until TED speaks to him.)

TED: Dougal, Dougal! Its alright now!

DOUGAL: (Panting) Oh thank God, Ted! I had the worst dream! (MRS DOYLE has continued where the NURSE left off, unwrapping the bandages on his head) I-I dreamt that Father Gobshite-

TED: Gobnait ...

DOUGAL: .. and me were playing this ping pong game, and he hit me and I _died_! Not only that but I was in this hospital and had this big ol' bruise just on top of me eye! (With perfect timing, MRS DOYLE takes off the last of the bandages and, right where he said it to be, DOUGAL has a bruise - a proper shiner. TED blinks in astonishment when he sees it.)

TED: God almighty!

DOUGAL: I know! Mad dream to have that, isn't it?

TED: Well Dougal, your _almost _right. You did get hurt and you are in the hospital, but you didn't die or anything.

DOUGAL: (A brief pause, which is broken by an uneasy laugh) Ah come on now, Ted. Jokes over.

TED: I'm _not_ joking! Look, (He waves his arm, indicating the room) We're _in_ the hospital, and that woman - she was a nurse!

MRS DOYLE: Oh Father McGuire, will ye sit still? (She is trying to put on clean guaze, but he is turning his head in all directions around the room. Clearly unhappy with the news, he attempts to raise himself on his pillow. But he does it too quickly, causing himself headache.)

DOUGAL: Ow! (He puts a hand to his forehead.)

TED: That'll be the bruise. Now listen, Dougal. (More addressive) There's someone come to see you.

DOUGAL: Really? Who's that then?

MRS MCGUIRE: (Heard loudly offscreen) Why's nobody come to tell me he's awake?

(Right on cue, MRS MCGUIRE flamboyantly rushes in. MRS DOYLE sneers, already not having taken a shine to her, but she carries on wrapping DOUGAL'S head up anyway.)

DOUGAL: (Sinks back, mortified.) Oh no.

TED: Dougal, just so you know, you're hurting me. (Suddenly see that DOUGAL is claw-like gripping TED'S sleeve.)

MRS MCGUIRE: (Hovers over him, close to MRS DOYLE) Oh hello my lad, my poor poor lad!

DOUGAL: (Mutters miserably) Hello Mammy ..

MRS MCGUIRE: (Noticing MRS DOYLE) Oh off with ya! I'll see to him. (Odges MRS DOYLE out of the way and takes over the bandaging. MRS DOYLE is not pleased, and stands silently resenting her.)

(There falls a miserable silence. DOUGAL is clearly unhappy while HIS MOTHER bandages his up - and whereas MRS DOYLE, who is standing a few feet away with her arms folded, was doing the job with dilligent care, MRS MCGUIRE is doing it quicker and more rough. It causes his head to rock left and right and he'll wince every now and then. TED looks between them, and decides to speak just for the sake of raising the atmosphere.)

TED: So, (With forced cheer, he laughs) Mrs McGuire ...

MRS MCGUIRE: Oh, call me Mammy.

TED: (Stops in his tracks and confusedly frowns, but decides to just do as she says.) .. _Mammy_, then. I think we should maybe introduce ourselves properly, seeing as we didn't get much of a chance earlier.

MAMMY: There's really no need, Father.

(She backs off DOUGAL, who is rubbing his head. She was a bit aggressive.)

MAMMY: (Continued) I've been getting feedback ever since Douglas started at the parish.

TED: Feedback? Just who's been giving out feedb- (He cuts off and frowns) Sorry, did I just hear _Douglas_?

MAMMY: Thats right. Douglas.

DOUGAL: (Sulkingly to TED) Only she calls me that.

MAMMY: Rubbish! You're Douglas like your father before ya.

MRS DOYLE: (Bustles between them with false cheer) _Well then_, Mrs McGuire! Its been lovely having ya but I think you'd better be off ...

MAMMY: Not till I see him better.

DOUGAL: (Pleadingly) I'm _fine_, Mammy.

TED: Really now, we can look after him just fine. We'll just take him home and-

MAMMY: (Cutting him off) You'll do no such thing. When he's up and about he's coming back home with me!

TED: _What_? You mean, you want to take him off with you?

MAMMY: That's right, Father. Yes.

TED: Dougal! Say something!

DOUGAL: (Deep sigh) Bye Ted, thanks for everything.

TED: _What are you doing_?

DOUGAL: There's no arguing with her, Ted. Mammy is law.

(MAMMY nods.)

MRS DOYLE: Now wait a minute, _you_! (Wags her finger at close range) You're not showing up like this and breaking us up, today of all days. We _need_ Father McGuire!

MAMMY: Really now? Because I've hearing a lot about the scrapes he's been getting himself into. (Clasps her hands, looking awfully worried and her voice sinks to one that is sad and motherly.) Setting an army of rabbits on the poor dear Bishop, breaking his Lenten vows, causing some sort of panic to do with a milkfloat, that scandal I heard about with all the priests looking at lingerie roundabout Christmas time, _completely_ feckin' up some plane's engine .. to name a few, and now this. Oh, son. Just answer me something. (Kneels to DOUGAL'S side, looking very tender for just a moment. Then she angrily scowls and strikes him on the arm.) _How could you do it to your poor mother you little bastard_!

DOUGAL: Ow! Ted, help!

TED: Now, now! (He intervenes before MAMMY can launch into any kind of attack.) Now Mrs McG .. _Mammy_, Mrs Doyle is very right. Despite all you've heard, he is actually needed at the parochial house.

MAMMY: I don't think it so, Father. You see, I've been on the phone to a Bishop Leonard Brennan - and he said I'm more than welcome to remove this eejit from the church. He's a joke of a priest.

MRS DOYLE: Oh Father Crilly, do something!

TED: (Running out of things to say, he is incline to once again act on impulse.) What if .. what if I told you that Dougal _is _a good priest?

MAMMY: I'd tell you to prove it.

TED: Fine! I-I will! (In the heat of it, he carries on without much thought.) You stay will us a day or two, Mammy. We'll show you just what a valuable, _committed_ member of church Dougal really _is_!

MAMMY: (With offensive satisfaction) Fine then, Father Crilly. If you insist. I'll go and fetch my bags shall I.

(As MAMMY leaves, TED and MRS DOYLE exchange looks of pure horror. DOUGAL, meanwhile, is looking upon TED with delight.)

DOUGAL: Really, Ted? You think I'm all that?

TED: (Massaging his forehead) No, Dougal.

DOUGAL: Oh. Right. (Happy look drifts into a thoughtful frown, then a look of sudden, overpowering terror.) Oh God, Ted! What'll we do? I don't want to go back living with Mammy.

TED: Can't believe I'm about to say this ...

MRS DOYLE AND DOUGAL: _What_?

TED: We are going to have to make Dougal ... a good priest.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC plays as the characters stare at each other.)


	6. The karate kid

(SCENE: FATHER TED CRILLY'S CAR. TED is driving as usual, but whereas FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE usually sits in the front next to him, he has been forced to sit in the backseat with HIS MOTHER. MRS DOYLE has shotgun. Now that DOUGAL has been discharged from hospital, they are on their way back to CRAGGY ISLAND'S PAROCHIAL HOUSE - where they have challenged MAMMY. They sit in heavy silence - TED is frowning at the road in front, thinking what on earth he has gotten himself into. MAMMY is fussing over DOUGAL'S seatbelt in the back, and MRS DOYLE is glaring hatefully at her in the sunshade mirror.)

* * *

(Having arrived at the PAROCHIAL HOUSE, TED sets down some heavy looking luggage and rubs his arm with a grimace. Clearly MAMMY has made him carry it in. She has progressed from the hall into the main room, looking around and judging the place.)

MAMMY: This is where you're living?

MRS DOYLE: (Defiantly) Yes.

MAMMY: (Unimpressed by her tone) ... I was asking _Douglas_. (She looks at him) Well?

DOUGAL: Ehm .. (He looks at TED, who nods.) .. yes.

MAMMY: (She moves aside some lager cans with her foot, looking disgusted) What a bloody mess, eugh! Honestly son, how could you live in such- _AIEEEE_! (She steps back, having noticed FATHER JACK HACKETT, who is still asleep in his chair and drooling excessively.) What in the name of God?

TED: Oh that's Father Jack, there. Having a snooze so it looks.

MAMMY: How rude! Asleep with a guest 'round. (She goes to wake JACK, but TED sticks out his arm to stop her.)

TED: Best not to wake him.

MAMMY: It's common courtesy, Father! Now step aside! (Moving TED, she stoops slightly to JACK'S level and claps her hands many times.) Come on then, ol' sleepy bones! Lets have ya!

(FATHER JACK'S eyes snap open and his upper lip flinches into an instant snarl, glaring at MAMMY. She stands fully, arms akimbo. MRS DOYLE is smirking with anticipation.)

MAMMY: Ah! There he is.

(TED and DOUGAL look nervously at each other as JACK stands slowly and staggeringly. JACK reaches out to grab MAMMY, but she misunderstands it for a handshake and heartily grabs one of his hands, shaking it thoroughly.)

MAMMY: Now, isn't it nice having a bit of etiquette? There now. (She throws back his hand, and JACK frowns at it, then her.) Father Jack, wasn't it? What's say we grab a bin bag and get all this mess cleared up? Then you can run the hoover 'round, you really should've done it before we got here.

JACK: (Barges past her) Feck off.

MAMMY: (In open-mouthed awe, she stares after him for a moment then jostles his shoulder to turn him around. The moment her hand and his shoulder come into contact, JACK sounds another, a louder, '**FECK OFF**!' and throws his fist.)

(To the massive surprise of EVERYONE, and the dismay of MRS DOYLE, MAMMY catches the punch karate-kid-style, then slaps the tip of JACK'S nose. He staggers back, holding his nose and whimpering.)

MAMMY: Now you'd better get gone and think about how ya should behave with guests 'round!

(There is an expectant pause, then MAMMY bursts:)

MAMMY: GO ON OFF WITH YA!

(Startled, JACK scuttles out - still cradling his nose. MRS DOYLE looks miserably at a loss. TED and DOUGAL exchange amazed glances, before TED sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, muttering under his breath:)

TED: Its going to be a long few days.


	7. Chewing ears

(In FATHER TED CRILLY AND FATHER DOUGAL MCGUIRE'S BEDROOM, DOUGAL is sitting on his bed. He is wearing pyjama bottoms, as well as his well know green Republic of Ireland top. Next to him is a tube of Arnica cream, which he is smearing all over his cheek.)

TED: (Entering the room) God ...

DOUGAL: Where? (Looks around)

TED: No, Dougal. I mean .. (Sees half of his face caked in cream) .. Um, what are you doing?

DOUGAL: What? Oh, this. (Holds tube out to TED) That doctor fella said to put it on before going to bed.

TED: (Takes it off him and reads, then gives DOUGAL something of a look) Dougal, this cream is for fixing your bruise. To do that, you sort of need to put it _on_ your bruise.

DOUGAL: No, you don't say?

TED: _Yes_, I do. Just take it and .. you know what, nevermind. Better move your hair. (DOUGAL does as he is told and lifts his hair off his forehead with a swift movement of his hand. TED sits on his own bed just opposite.)

DOUGAL: What was up with ya just then, Ted?

TED: (Squeezing cream into his palm) Oh it's your mother. She stopped me at the top of the stairs and chewed my ear.

DOUGAL: (Staring in a daze) .. Why'd she do that?

TED: Not literally. What I mean is, well ... (Is not quite sure how to put it, and thinks about it as he leans forward and starts applying cream to DOUGAL'S bruise.) I'm sure your mother loves you very much, it's just .. don't you think she's a bit dominating?

DOUGAL: How'd you mean?

TED: Well y'know. Hovering over you the way she does, wrapping you in cotton wool and just being all-in-all controlling. It doesn't bother you?

DOUGAL: God Ted, thats just the start of it. She does this thing with your ear ...

(Before he can get into more depth, MAMMY bursts into their room. Wearing a beauty mask and her hair in rollers, she looks something to be ridiculed but the scowl on her face would make anyone think better of it.)

MAMMY: Which one of ya brushed yer hair over the bathroom sink? (Before either of them can answer, she rushes up to TED.) Was _you_ wasn't it? Get here! (She pinches TED'S ear and marches him quickly out of the room in a comedic fashion, with the poor man wincing and heard going: '_Ow ow ow ow ow_!' all the way to the bathroom.)


End file.
